Last month the NME published their '2011 Cool List', the list of the 50 coolest "Rock Stars" on the planet right now. You can read all about it here - NME Cool list 2011
Without doubt everyone featured is pretty cool but I often wonder who NME use as a benchmark to compare these cool Rock Stars with. With no spokesperson available for comment (to be honest, I didn't even ask!), I decided I would take it upon myself to find this 'control' group. The first group I could think of was, unsurprisingly, Parent Bloggers.
Parent Bloggers and Rock Stars are actually more similar than we think - we are both role models for a younger generation, neither of us gets much sleep and we both know how to partay! I wasn't there but the recent Tots 100 Christmas party sounded a lot livelier than an NME Awards do I once went to!
But when all is said and done, who really is the coolest? Well, ladies and gentleman, today we are going to find out.
Using NME's 'Ten Commandments of Cool', the criteria that accompanied the Cool List, I am going to put a case across for each as to why Parent Bloggers are potentially cooler than Rock Stars and then use a simple scoring system to find a winner.
Please be warned that there are some 'Parental Advisory' words relating to Jools Holland and multi-storey car parks (not at the same time though) that NME provided in their 'commandments'. Anyway, here goes :
1. WEAR THE UNWEARABLE If you carry off a look that a mere civilian would be attacked in the street for rocking, you is da shiz.
The case for Parent Bloggers - parents are renowned for wearing more than just clothes in the street - it's usually made up of snot, our baby's breakfast etc. Oh and at least we dress ourselves and don't let our record company do it for us - that is NOT cool.
Parent Bloggers 1 Rock Stars 0
2. TERRORISE THE MAINSTREAM There's nothing cooler than making Jools Holland shit himself.
The case for Parent Bloggers - okay, Rock Stars, who is going to clean the mess up? Not bloody us matey! However, we will probably have some spare nappies on us to help Jools out in his hour of need, and that's pretty cool.
Parent Bloggers 2 Rock Stars 0
3. CULTIVATE THE MEDIA The less we know about you, the more we want to orally pleasure you in multi-storey car parks.
The case for Parent Bloggers - there was obviously a typo in this commandment as NME had spelt aural wrong but...sorry, hang on a minute. What's that? (sorry my PR advisor needs to tell me something).
Really?!! In a multi-storey car park?!! That's very unhygienic with all of those exhaust fumes and everything! Do you know if they're referring to an NCP? You can't confirm. Okay.
Well erm...what's so cool about that anyway?!!
Parent Bloggers 3 Rock Stars 0
4. BE COMFORTABLE WITH 'COOL' The cool don't have to say they're cool. They KNOW they're cool. Knowing you're NOT cool is not cool.
The case for Parent Bloggers - Oh COME ON, have you ever seen the way we act at kids' parties and dance at Wedding receptions?!
Parent Bloggers 4 Rock Stars 0
5. HAVE PHYSICS-DEFYING HAIR Cool used to be about how little you could see through your fringe; now it's about how much Cochrane you've got in your curl.
The case for Parent Bloggers - How do we know what our hair looks like anyway - we never have time to look in the mirror?!
Parent bloggers 5 Rock Stars 0
6. BEEF UP THE BEEFS Nothing says 'fuck you, Media Training Advisor!' more than slagging off other acts in print with nary a care for who your dressing room is pitched next to at festivals.
The case for Parent Bloggers - we're lovers not fighters, that's much cooler.
Parent bloggers 6 Rock Stars 0
7. TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN 'Closure' is back, and cheering up is the new moping about like a twat.
The case for Parent Bloggers - Hmmm, I haven't seen much evidence from Rock Stars of them fulfilling this commandment recently, to be honest. Parent Bloggers, on the other hand, are a happy go lucky bunch even when we look and feel like zombies.
Parent bloggers 7 Rock Stars 0
8. COMEBACK WITH CONFIDENCE Every Tom, Dick and Dodgy is reforming, so give us every ounce of nostalgia with nobs on.
The case for Parent Bloggers - yeah right, you'll 'Comeback with confidence' if the money is right, eh?! I, and many other bloggers before me, never have, and probably never will, earn a penny from blogging (I have won a Trunkisaurus, yes, but that was in a competition. There's no law against Rock Stars entering competitions y'know?!) We do this cause with love it! Where's your passion?! Where are you?! Let's be having you?!!! Sorry, erm...went a bit 'Delia Smith' on you there! Anyway, I think I've made my point (and won us another one - yes!!!)
Parent bloggers 8 Rock Stars 0
9. INNOVATE Credibility comes wrapped in fresh ideas as naturally as Odd Future records come wrapped in parental warning stickers.
The case for Parent Bloggers - even I have innovated in my time as a Blogger and written blog posts that don't just focus on music, like this one - 'AKA...Two Honeymooners and a baby vs two American cops and a yellow fluffy duck' Status Quo, on the other hand, still only use three chords.
Parent bloggers 9 Rock Stars 0
10. JUST 'HAVE IT' Sorry Dalston Superstars: some people are descended from a strata of our species known as Homo Bossasfookus.
I'll let the Rock Stars have this one as a consolation as, to be honest, I feel a bit sorry for them and their underperformance. Beaten by Parent Bloggers - ha ha! Who'd have thought it?!!
FINAL SCORE : Parent bloggers 9 Rock Stars 1
So, there you have it, it's official - Parent Bloggers are without doubt cooler.
Right then, all together now - "9-1 to the parent blogs, 9-1 to the parent blogs, 9-1..."