How to live your failed music career through your children

According to someone else's statistics, 93% of human beings already are or would love to be in a band. Out of that 93%, 88% have dabbled musically in their lives and dream that one day this might still happen. The other 12% were unable to answer as they were on tour.

Although I've just made those figures up, I reckon a majority of you reading this would give up your chosen career right now if Bono came up to you in the pub and said "look, I can't do this anymore and really need you to take over from me. Here's The Edge's number, tell him I sent you. The secret U2 password is "nice leather chaps".

You'd be mad not to, wouldn't you?

But, hang on, what about your other half? What about your kids? What about the rest of your family oh and the notice period you'd have to give to your work? You can't just turn up at home and say "but I AM 'The Chosen One', I saw Bono in the pub and he said so" - they aren't going to buy it. And anyway, everyone knows Bono only drinks in wine bars and not pubs.

So where do you go from here? There's a musician in there waiting to burst out and it doesn't do anyone any good if you suppress the rock star within you does it?!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, there is still hope. I recommend that from now on we all try and live our failed music careers through our children! Britney Spears's folks did it, and they are the modellist of model parents, so why can't we?!

But I have to be honest with you, it won't be easy. So, to help you achieve this goal, I've devised a 10 step plan for you to follow. I warn you now, it won't help, but here it is anyway :

Step 1 - Get your kids into music

It doesn't matter what, anything with a melody is good. I personally wouldn't buy a One Direction album for myself but my daughter loves them, and knows every word, and that's all that matters isn't it?  Getting them to sing along is a great starting point as well, get those vocal chords trained early, and watch the hard cash roll in in about 20 years or so. 

Just remember to keep your kids thinking that you're doing this all for them and not you.  The first rule of 'how to live your failed music career through your children' club is to not to reveal that you are 'living your failed music career through your children erm...club'.

Step 2 - Buy them a guitar

Okay, I admit I would love my kids to be drummers, like Meg out of The White Stripes, but transporting drums would be a nightmare.

Bass players just aren't cool enough and no-one ever remembers who they are. As for being lead vocalist, at the moment, your child probably sounds like a young Aled Jones when they sing so that is definitely a no no.  And how many of the best ever lead vocalists have gone on to present Daybreak?  It wouldn't and shouldn't happen.  Although Aled is a very nice man and I would really like to give him a man hug one day.

Ahem, anyway, so guitar it is then.  Oh and it has to be an electric one as anything sounds good with an effects pedal.  My parents bought me an acoustic guitar when I was younger and I just sounded rubbish.

Step 3 (is it just me, or is this post starting to sound like a New Kids on the Block song?!) - Buy them some classic albums

We've all got our own views on what constitutes a 'classic'. I have a soft spot for the first Bucks Fizz album whereas other people may think it's a load of pants.

However, in my opinion, some classic albums are 'Rubber Soul' by The Beatles, 'Pet Sounds' by The Beach Boys and 'OK Computer' by Radiohead. If they try to reject them lie and say that they are Harry Styles's new side project or something. Try anything, just get them to listen!

Step 4 ("I can give you more") - Get them to practice

This is the boring bit so let's move on...

Step 5 - Get them to form a band

Once they've practiced enough, it's time to form a band (woo-hoo! High five everyone in the room immediately!) Preferably this will be with school friends as then you can get the music teacher to help them all with Step 4 as you and the other mums and dads can't be arsed.

Hopefully not everyone will read my step 2 above in too much detail as this could mean you end up with 5 guitarists in the band and no singer or drummer - this is not a good! Actually, on second thoughts it's quite a good USP - do it!

Your child's band also needs a name. I've never been a big fan of plugging my old blog posts but, as I've been gone for a year and everyone's forgotten who I am, I'm going to anyway. If you have some magnetic words at home, go here now - musodad's band name game

We used 'musodad's band name game' to choose my daughter's band name 'Groovy Conker'. They will be the biggest band on the planet in 2025 - you read it here first! (Actually you may have read it here first - 'Daddy's Beard' - the debut single by Groovy Conker but, as I said before, I've never been a big fan of plugging my old blog posts).

Step 6 - Get them a manager and a lawyer

I'm going to put my serious head on now - you must NOT manage them. Dave from down the pub must NOT be their Lawyer.  I know it's tempting, and you have their best interests at heart, but no, no. NO!

However, if you've had music industry experience in the past and Dave from down the pub used to be a Lawyer then I'm sure you'll be okay.

Actually, before I say it'll be okay, I'd better consult Tarquin, my PR Adviser as I don't want to speak out of turn.  Hmmm, Tarquin says he thinks you'll be okay as a manager but just watch out for Dave. Tarquin doesn't trust Dave.


Step 7 - Refuse to let them go on any music talent shows

It just won't look cool in 10 years time if people remember. Their fans will turn against them, there will be a music press backlash and the tabloid newspapers will drag up loads of rumours about them from years and years ago.

Actually, any PR is good PR isn't it? Hmmm, let me once again consult with Tarquin, my PR Adviser, and we'll re-think this step and get back to you.  Thank you for your patience.

Step 8 - Get them playing live

Getting the band to play pubs / clubs is a surefire way to earn some hard cash or free beer (for you, of course - Babycham for the kids) and you may even get on the guestlist and meet the band afterwards if you're lucky! The band are probably living / practicing in your spare room at this point anyway but I was just trying to make it sound exciting!

It's usually the manager's job to sort live gigs out (and at this stage you could well be their manager, don't listen to my advice in Step 6, what the bloody hell do I know?!!) but make sure you use and abuse your connections - get them playing your friend's barbeque, your best mate's wedding, your parents' house, anywhere will do!

Repeat this step a few times and they'll soon be headlining Glastonbury (if they didn't split up after the first gig cause they were rubbish - a bit like my old band 'Pre-historic Wife'. I did write a blog post on that too once but can't be bothered to go and find it).

Step 9 - Publicise them!

Bore everyone you know, and everyone you don't know, that your child is in a band.

Hassle radio station DJ's, the music press, music bloggers on twitter (I know one well if you want me to have a word with him.  I have to warn you know though that he's a bit pants and no-one ever listens to his recommendations anyway). If they tell you they are rubbish, get the band a different style of haircut and then go and hassle them again!

If you lose friends along the way, cause all you do is 'go on about that bloody band' so be it! When they're famous you can tell your friends 'I told you so'. Except you won't have any friends left. But you'll have the band! The band is all you need...

Step 10 - Reap the rewards!

It's payback time baby! This is the point when you remind your child who bought them their first guitar, who used to feed them in the middle of the night, who it was who used to change their nappies?!!

They won't care, mind. By this point they would have also developed a rock star attitude and will probably pretend you don't even exist.  They're 'too cool for school' nowadays and have an image to maintain with their fans.

But you hold the trump card, my friend.  If they refuse to part with hard cash then you can run straight to the tabloids and sell any old story about them - you SHALL have the last laugh....

So there you have it.

Good luck, let me know how you get on.

*Disclaimer - musodad himself has never completed the 10 step process above and he accepts no responsibility for any damages caused to anyone attempting to complete it.  To be honest, his advice is a bit rubbish and if you follow it religiously then I'm afraid you really are a silly sausage.

Double A-Sided blog post - 'Fiction Fridays' / 'Music as Therapy'

This is a Double A-Sided meme blog post featuring 'Fiction Fridays' and 'Music as Therapy'.
 
Side A1 will feature a favourite book of mine that I read my kids and Side A2 is something that I've been meme-ing to do for ages (“ha ha! Did you see that?! He said 'meme-ing' instead of ‘meaning’ because they are both memes! This guy is brilliant!" "Thanks mum").
 
Before we get to the main event though ("get on with it!" "sorry, dad"), in true muso style, I'd firstly like to talk about 'Double A-Sides' as frankly it's not a term you hear much nowadays is it?!
 
And what were they all about anyway?! If there are any Music Execs reading (I very much doubt it!), I'd love to know.
 
Was it because each song wasn't strong enough to stand up on its own so it needed a back up? Was it to get more radio airtime - potentially on different stations if the songs were different styles? Was it because the Record Company was so indecisive that they thought ‘Sod it - let’s put them both out!’?
 
I would love to have been at a Record Company meeting years ago where someone piped up with "do you know what? I think we should make this a double A-sided single". Everyone probably nodded in agreement without questioning it (apart from Norman, the most junior member of staff present). "But why?" asked Norman, "Erm...'cause I said so. Now where’s my tea?!"
 
Right, I'm going to Google it and find out!

Oh, erm…”The practice was introduced by The Beatles (who are they when they’re at home?! ‘Fly by nights’!) in 1965 for their single ‘Day Tripper’ which appeared on the same single as ‘We can work it out’".

Okay, fair enough. I love The Beatles and they were ‘fairly’ successful but tell me ‘Wikipedia’, why did they do this?

“That’s a very good question, Simon” (blimey, ‘Wikipedia’ has turned into Nina from ‘Nina and the Neurons!’) “Well, occasionally double A-sided singles are released with each side targeting a different market – for example, Dolly Parton released double A-sides where one song was targeted to pop radio and the other side to country”.

Thanks Wikipedia.  I did sort of imply that above, don’t you read my blog? “No, I don’t. I think it’s rubbish”.
 
Okay, fair enough.  Right, moving swiftly on…
 
Side A1 - 'Fiction Fridays : The Magic Faraway Tree’

My choice for this week is ‘The Magic Faraway Tree’.  I never really knew about this series of books when I was little.  I was more into Enid Blyton’s ‘Castle of Adventure’ and ‘Secret Seven’ books instead so when my wife purchased this for O. I thought ‘great’ as it was completely new to me as well.

O. is really getting into older kids’ books now. We currently also have ‘Mary Poppins’, the first ‘Harry Potter’ and ‘The Folk of the Faraway Tree’ on the go at the moment but this is probably her favourite.

Even though the founders of Google state that the company name came about from a misspelling of googol, I like to think that it is really because they were read this when they were younger and were familiar with the ‘Google buns’ in it.

Anyway the opening paragraph (sorry @homedad, I’m breaking the rules here!) is - "Once upon a time there were three children, Joe, Beth and Frannie. They lived with their mother and father in a little cottage deep in the country. They had to help their parents both in the house and in the garden, as there was lots to do”.

Please note that musodad has never used this opening paragraph as an example to his children that they should help his wife and him out more around the home. Okay, I admit, I did do it once but Moon-Face made me.

 
Side A2 – ‘Music as Therapy’
 
As I mentioned earlier, ‘Music as Therapy’ is also a meme. I was tagged in this meme by the rather wonderful @SAHDandproud (cheers fella) and I’ve been really excited about doing it for weeks (24 days in fact – it’s been in my Twitter favourites for that long), I just haven’t had time.  But, here it is, finally!

‘Music as Therapy’ was originally thought up by @mammywoo. One evening, once her child was in bed, she ‘plugged herself into her music library and chose three songs that she had recently heard and enjoyed and felt touched by and copied down the lyrics that spoke to her’.

She tagged a number of bloggers in the post and it eventually got to me.  This was the brief to the other bloggers :

Pick 3 beautiful songs, 3 different bands and 3 sets of lyrics that touch you in any way you want to show.

Here are my 3 choices :

1.              “God Only Knows” by The Beach Boys

This was our first dance song at our Wedding so it is obviously very dear to my heart.

I think the lyric ‘God only knows what I’d be without you’ says it all really.

Here’s the song on You Tube :

2.              “We all need love” by Tim Burgess

I first moved in with my wife in April 2003. Two days after we moved in together, due to a pre-planned holiday with my friends, I buggered off and left her alone in our new flat and went travelling around Scotland for a week in a camper van! I look back now and wonder what the hell I was thinking but, after almost 9 years, I think she has nearly forgiven me…

Anyway, we played the album ‘I Believe’ by Tim Burgess loads on that holiday and as we were making the long trip back to London on the last night the lyrics “I need to spend some time with you, my love” really hit home as I was missing her so much.

3 years later I returned to Scotland, with my wife this time, and asked her to marry me next to a waterfall near Loch Lomond. Thankfully she said “yes”. Great memories.

The song isn’t on You Tube but here’s a Spotify link if you use it and want to have a listen :

TIM BURGESS – WE ALL NEED LOVE

3.              “Wilder” by The Boo Radleys

I love the Boo Radleys, they are one of my favourite bands of all time and I can really relate to a lot of their lyrics.  The lyric I’ve chosen though is from this song. 

Sometimes it's all about the simple things in life and as long as you’ve got your family and friends, why should anything else matter?

The lyric I have chosen, which never fails to make my spine tingle, is “If I were much wiser, maybe I would realise that it’s not where you are, it’s who you’re with”.  Beautiful.

Here’s the song on You Tube :

So, that’s it.  Hope you enjoyed reading my Double A-Sided blog post as much as I enjoyed writing it.  To end though, I am going to tag 5 people - 2 dad bloggers, 2 mum bloggers and 1 soon-to-be music blogger who I know will like the ‘Music as Therapy’ meme and hopefully blog about their 3 songs.  Oh, and while you’re at it, give @homedad’s ‘Fiction Fridays’ a bash as well – details are here : Fiction Fridays

I am tagging :

2 dad bloggers – @himupnorth and @infantisaurus01

2 mum bloggers – @lisajarmin and @stressymummy 

The soon-to-be music blogger - @stevenswift